Always
by moonshoesangel
Summary: Castiel tried so hard to hide his pain from Dean, but one night it all becomes too much and Dean shows him how much he means to him. post-Lucifer possession. M/M scenes. MAY trigger depression.
***creaking sound* I have arisen from my COFFIN!**

 **Actually, I've just been super busy and doing more work on AO3. I've decided to post the stuff I have on both in case some of you don't have AO3 accounts you can now enjoy my shitty bored writing style with THEM!**

 **Anyway, this one came about while I was actually on the way to work the other morning. I seem to have a pension for causing Castiel a lot of misery and IDK why. Here's 'Always'.**

 **M/M scenes. MAY trigger some feelings of depression. Castiel isn't a happy chappy.**

* * *

It was easy to forget in bed.

Easy for Castiel to get lost in the smell of Dean, the feeling of his skin slick and hot against his, the push and pull and bite.

It was easy to drown out the voices when Dean was moaning in his ear as he moved inside him fervently. It was when Castiel felt almost normal. Almost felt as if he had never been taken into the darkness by his own feelings of inadequicy.

It was afterwards, while Dean lay next to him with his head against his chest, breathing even in sleep and he was staring up at the ceiling with his heart racing and sweat beading on his forehead that he heard them again.

Expendable.

Useless.

Worthless.

His breath caught in his throat and he felt a hard lump building down at the very bottom. He moved very carefully so he didn't wake the hunter, climbing out of bed and walking out of the room. He was only in underwear and he hoped Sam was still asleep because he didn't have the strength to dress himself. Castiel entered the kitchen and collapsed in the chair at the table. This room had been his sanctuary for so long in his mind. He could almost see the boys on either side of the table, Charlie beside him, laughing and smiling and sharing a meal like a family. Castiel swallowed hard and drew in a sharp breath. His hands gripped his hair as he let the tears fall freely for the first time in eons. It was a scary feeling- letting go. He was so used to being in control of himself that letting go felt like giving up. Castiel had given up when Lucifer took him, but he wasn't given a chance to think on it. He was locked away, numbed to the goings on of the outside until Crowley came to him. After that, Lucifer was taken by Amara and Castiel was no longer left in the dark. He felt everything Lucifer felt from that point on. When Lucifer wasn't being tortured, Lucifer was torturing him. He made up for the time he had left him alone in the back of his mind.

The voice he heard was his own, higher and colder but it was his own. It hurt so much.

Castiel felt a presence behind him and fought back a sob he was about to let out.

"Cas? Is that you? I woke up and you were gone," Dean appeared behind him, his hand resting on his shoulder. He quickly removed it when Castiel flinched at the touch. "Hey, what's wrong?"

"Nothing, Dean, I'm ok. Just got a little bored is all," Castiel recovered himself enough to wipe his eyes swiftly in the dark of the kitchen and stand up. "Head on back to bed. I'm just gonna make some coffee."

"I'll join you. I'm not tired," Dean studied his hurried movements carefully. Castiel was obviously trying to hide his face. "Cas, what is it?"

"I told you-"

"You lied," Dean placed a hand on his shoulder and tried to turn him, but Castiel pushed his arm of and leaned heavily on his hands against the counter, unable to fight back the tears anymore. Dean heard him sniff.

"Talk to me, Cas," Dean pleaded. Castiel dropped his chin to his bare chest and choked on the lump that had attached itself to the inside of his throat. Dean's heart broke. He slowly approached the angel and wrapped his arms around his middle, resting his chin on Castiel's shoulder.

"Come back to bed, babe," Dean whispered in his ear. "Please."

Dean somehow tore Castiel's white-knuckled grip away from the counter and pulled him back toward the bedroom. Dean shut the door and led Castiel back to the bed, lifting the sheets and sliding him beneath them. Castiel curled in on himself, facing away from Dean. Dean removed his clothes and lay in the bed behind Castiel, wrapping his arm around Castiel's chest and pulling him close to him.

"It's him, isn't it? Lucifer," Dean asked softly, trying not to sound bitter at the mention of his name.

"I can't stop the voices, Dean," Castiel's voice shook. "I keep hearing him in my head. I just...I keep waiting for this to all fall apart around me and waiting to wake up back in my own mind. It's the worst kind of torture I could imagine," he choked again. "I wish he would just kill me already-"

"You're not posessed anymore, Castiel," Dean growled, flipping him over onto his back. "This is all very real, I swear to you. We've been through this."

"Why do I keep hearing it, then!? Why do I keep feeling him everywhere like he's watching me?"

Dean slid his hand up to cup Castiel's cheek. "He messed with your head for a long time, Cas. It's gonna take a while for it to go away. But you have me. I'm gonna do everything I can to help you through this."

"Why?" Castiel's eyes slid closed, tears falling from the corners of his eyes. It was a breath of a question, one that drove a knife into the crack in Dean's heart. "Why would you help me? After what I did...?"

Dean brushed back a sweaty strand of hair that had fallen over Castiel's forehead. "Why? What do you mean 'why'? I know what you did and why you did it, Cas. It wasn't for kicks or bad intentions-"

"It was because I felt too powerless to help you myself," Castiel opened his eyes, directing them to Dean's. The brokeness in them twisted the knife in his heart. "I'm nothing, Dean...I'm a shell of what I used to be. I can't be of any use to you anymore so why the hell would you want to keep me here and waste your time trying to make it better?"

Dean's jaw tightened and he wanted to yell at Castiel for saying something so stupid, but he knew it wouldn't help him. He knew the feeling- why would anyone bother? He knew the pain Castiel felt because he had felt it after Castiel had pulled him from Hell...why would an angel give a shit about him? To Castiel, it was why would a human give a shit about a broken angel?

Dean didn't answer him. He simply pulled back the covers and reached down to pull Castiel's underwear off. Castiel's eyes glistened and widened with surprise. "Dean, what are you-?"

"Shut up," Dean's voice cracked as he tossed the underwear aside and straddled Castiel's thighs. He leaned down and kissed and nipped at the angel's neck, reaching between them to wrap his hand around Castiel's half-hard cock and pump. Castiel's breath stuttered and his hand reached up to grip Dean's thigh and squeeze.

"Dean-"

"Sshh," Dean mumbled against his collar bone. Dean reached over and grabbed the lube off the night stand and coated Castiel's cock with it. It had only been a couple of hours since their last round, so Dean didn't feel the need to prepare himself. He scooted up and settled on Castiel's hips, lining him up and sitting slowly. Castiel arched his back, a deep groan rolling in his chest. Dean sat still for a moment and pulled Castiel up into a sitting position, wrapping his arms around Castiel's shoulders and leaning his forehead against the angel's. Tears still streaked down Castiel's cheeks, but now Dean had tears of his own.

"You wanna know why I want you here?" Dean breathed heavily, slowly moving up and down, the drag causing both of them to let out soft moans. "Did you ever stop to think that maybe you are everything to me?"

"Dean," Castiel choked, wrapping an arm around Dean's back and gripping his hip with the other hand.

"I couldn't go on another day without this, Castiel," he ran his hand through Castiel's sweaty hair. "I couldn't go on anymore without telling you how important you are to me. I don't care what you did or didn't do ever since you found me in Hell I've been yours," Dean gasped as Castiel's cock brushed his prostate and he picked up his speed, gunning for that spot each time. He fould feel Castiel's tears falling on his shoulder. "I'll never give up on you, do you hear me?"

Castiel's nails dug into Dean's back, biting into the flesh of his shoulder blade. He rolled them quickly, shoving Dean's knees up to his chest. Castiel gripped Dean's free hand, lacing their fingers together and burying them in the sheets. Dean cried out Castiel's name and reached between them to touch himself but Castiel grabbed his hand and slammed it back onto the bed. Dean ached from the lack of attention and the brutality Castiel was using.

"Come on, baby," Dean growled in his ear, feeling Castiel's whole body shudder. Castiel's pace was furious and concentrated. He slid his hand out from under Dean and wrapped it around Dean's cock, pumping in time with his thrusts. Dean gripped Castiel's hair in his hand and gripped tight as he came hard between them, Castiel still pounding into his prostate and causing him to feel dizzy and sensitive. He wrapped his legs around Castiel's waist and pulled him in close to him. "I love you, Cas."

"Dean," Castiel choked and his body seized, pulsing inside Dean. His body thrusted its way through his orgasm as Dean stroked his sweaty hair out of his eyes. Castiel collapsed into Dean's chest, breath heavy and muscles sore. Dean wrapped his arms around his shoulders and kissed his temple. They lay still for a moment, catching their breath and coming down from their respective highs. Dean's tears silently fell as Castiel's slowly subsided.

"You...said you loved me."

Dean blinked rapidly and nodded. "I did."

"That's why you keep me here?"

Dean sniffed and turned Castiel's face to him, gripping his neck. "I don't keep you anywhere. You are free to come and go as you please...you aren't as useful as you are powerful like you wanna think, Cas. I love you and I want you to stay with me. Always."

Castiel gave him a small, sincere smile, the first one Dean had seen from the angel in so long it hurt. Castiel kissed Dean's lips, running a sweaty hand up Dean's arm to rest on his hand where it lay on Castiel's neck. He laced their fingers and squeezed.

"Always, Dean."


End file.
